#04

i love.
and now i loved
maybe still loving.
and it erases everything
from the memories.
of before.
of now.
of tomorrow.

my life.
and chaos. of oblivion
and you’re gone
i pick up what else is left
…if there is any
maybe none—but only before.
before.

and i awoke
and i opened
what i should have long before.
a hard slap
and it’s all that i deserve.
standing.
look at me
and i move on
i walk away
i leave. with nothing.

surely i hope
when i surrender.
to dream.

i no longer love.

ice017/020402-0046

#03

and i see the signs
but not too clear
i look around
and yet nothing.
i see in my midst
must i realize?
that which must be
and i feel it must be gone
must not believe.
stupendous in its sense
magical, fate
destiny. cannot anymore
what i used to believe
what i now believe

and nonsense makes sense
when love cannot.

i close my eyes.

#02

within thy confinement
i struggle
that of a look
in dreams i only see
unfabled, yet i cannot touch.
unreachable.

i strive
and i seek
what seems to be
what i cannot have
reality. acquiescence
in silence found
cannot endure.
not just now.
maybe never.

and now i start
to ask.
why can’t you see
can’t feel.
can’t comprehend.
insensate.
when i try even
of the least that i have
incomprehensible.
unfathomable.

and i try to reach
i cannot.
when i hold,
seems unfeeling.
glance upon.
unbelieving.
or denial?
or just maybe nothing.

and i love – if it is.
unreturned, maybe not noticed
maybe deliberately.
maybe not meant to be.

and i look upon thyself
a shadow.
a specter.
a spirit long gone.
long helpless.
and must believe
that something i cannot have
must i not have.
long before the heartaches.

selfless.. must I still?
no more..

#01

i can’t breathe
air not in my midst
i ponder, i wonder
i see your countenance
unimaginable
the way you astound me
the mere thought
of you, your smile
levity – almost endless
discernment, of wit
propitious, heart
undeniably benevolent
everything, all.. almost.

no
don’t look
i fall even more
i cannot – i should not
for whatever reason
i cannot surmise
or might i know?
maybe. but still unknown
to my heart
my emotions. my sentiments.
inrecognizable
i cannot.

you are not the ideal
but you’re here
eventhough distance
seems to break me apart
apart from you – unknowingly
my love for you
..or is it??
indefinitely defined
drawn through the heavens
written in the seas
humorless. but i cannot touch
cannot feel.
even i cannot see.

why.
why must i suffer
consequences of what seems
to be not my sin
a mistake maybe
but is it of my wrongdoing?
when my only choice
is to feel and nothing more.

uncertainty
and of unsure circumstances
i realize what i should not.

and i falter..

Hate

i hate the way i feel
i hate the way i think
i hate the way i dream about you
if i’m not sure what it means

i hate it when i miss you
i hate it when you don’t
i hate it when you don’t care about me
when you know that i would

i hate it when you don’t call me
or when you miss to say goodbye
‘cos you know I’d just be here
to be right by your side

i hate it when you leave me
when you know that i would stay
i hate when you say things
when you mean it the other way

i hate the way you see me
i hate the way you try
to make me feel so special
when it’s the opposite inside

i hate the way i’m getting all confused
with the things you do and say
i hate the way I’m reading
the feeling that’s here to stay

i hate it when you thank me
for the things i’ve done for you
i hate when you make me realize
how important i am to you, too

i hate it when you lie
or maybe you’re not
maybe i just don’t wanna believe it
‘cos i’m expecting all too much

i hate when you make me realize
how badly i could fall
i hate it when you tell me
that it’s not too bad after all

i hate it when you’re sorry
i hate it when you cry
‘cos you know I’d just be getting
all so soft inside

i hate it when you hold me
i hate it when you smile
i hate it when you love me
‘cos i think it’s a lie
i hate it ‘cos i know it
and yet i’m trying to hide
i know that I am falling
i’m sure of what’s inside

i hate to admit it
i hate to face the fact
i hate to say I love you
‘cos it’d just might break my heart

i know it’s hard pretending
i know it’s hard to stay
‘cos this time I might be the one leaving
to protect my heart from pain

i don’t know now what to do
i don’t know now what to say
the moment we meet
the next time we see face to face

i know you’ll just be smiling
treating me like it was before
and there I’ll be standing
thinking if i could ignore

the way i feel, the way I think
the way you make my heart beat
‘cos i know it’s just so hard
to fall for you after all…