Not-So-Ordinary Night

it's a natural high
can't help but smile
with just a mere hello
all my senses seem to go

i'm crazy, maybe
to fall in and out of love
but it just seems fitting
to be weirded out by this feeling..

of love, if that's what it is
or well, might be something in between
all i know is that i'm giddy and funny and light
in this not-so-ordinary night

and what could a dose
of caffeine possibly lack
or cover up the rush of
something i've been holding up

it's an endless series of hello's and goodbye's
of wishful thinkings, daydreaming and deep sighs
makes no sense to go back but then again
i have the urge to have this feeling..

of love, if that's what it is
or well, might be something in between
all i know is that i'm giddy and funny and light
in this not-so-ordinary night

tried to fight it
tried to hide it
but here i am still
tried to leave you
tried to forget you
but then, there's a feeling..

of love, if that's what it is
or well, might be something in between
all i know is that i'm giddy and funny and light
in this not-so-ordinary night

i'm giddy and funny and light
i'm floating and smiling and in flight
i hope i dream about you
in this not-so-ordinary night

We all choose our own happiness..

We can be sad and miserable,
Or choose to accept and be contented.

We can be distracted and crazy,
Or learn to face reality with an open mind.

We can make the wrong choices and decisions,
Or make the right ones if we want to.

We can keep on complaining about what we don't have,
Or be grateful of the things we already have within our reach.

We can refuse to believe what is real,
Or be brave enough to realize that what we have in front of us is all we have.

We can dwell on the past and wallow,
Or live by the moment and look forward to tomorrow.

Because all the while, just when we thought our entire world is crumbling down.. it's not.
And when everything else seems to not go your way, it goes your way.. eventually.

It's US who decide whether we have a good day or bad day.
It's also US who decide if we're in love and broken-hearted.

And though we always think that nothing is fair in our lives, we may have overlooked on the things that truly give us contentment.

So this must be true.. even if life sucks, I still AM happy.
Because I know and I'm sure that sometime, life will bring me something better.

Don't Fall

don't fall..
cos i'm holding on too much

don't fall..
i'm afraid to be in love

don't fall..
cos i know there's nothing more

don't fall..
i'm closing on my doors

but the way i see you
and the way i look at you
how i feel when you are beside me
near me. with me.

it feels like you've captured my sensibility
and you've taken my own sanity
you are the sky far beyond my reach
you are the impossibility of every possible dream
you are the unthinkable in my realm of make-believe

cos you won't love me
though it seems i'm not aware
and even with this, i still live with the thought
that maybe somewhere, somehow
you will still..

don't fall.
again, don't fall.

#08

loving you leaves me without breath
it leaves me without thoughtand even if i try to stop the tears
they still fall.

falling for the one person i can't have
i know, i have to make myself believe
that there's no feeling that here exists

and loneliness cannot even keep me company
somehow, it cannot keep me saneand if i strive to smile, it may take forever
for in my heart there is nothing more left

i made myself believe
of the lies i try to create
that even if there is something that i feel,
it is but an illusion that cannot come to life

and though you are neari cannot touch you
and though i am with you
you were never with me
that even if you sit beside me
you will always be there and i will always be here

now, as if tears can't help but flow down my cheeks
and as if my emotions constantly keep my mind so blank
i refused to shy away from this feeling
but now i have to make a choice

my heart and mind cannot decide
and so i won't push it anymore
should i long or not. never.

Why Didn't You Say Sorry?

we were together
i thought it'd be forever
you said you'll never leave me
but from what it seems,
you did..

believed you'll love me always
believed you'll stay by my side
but when it was your turn to prove it,
you turned your back on me

i said it was fine to see you go
even if inside, it was me who was dying..

and so you left..
without even saying why..
you didn't even cry..
and maybe you have faked it.the reason, the season.
but there's only one question i wanted to ask,
why didn't you say sorry?

i'm moving on with my life
and i see that you have
can't say you're way ahead of me
but from what it seems,
it was me who's hurting a lot

for the way you left me..for the lies you continually deny
and so even if i don't care for you anymore
i still honestly feel alone

i said it was fine to see you go
even if inside, it was me who was dying..

and so you left..
without even saying why..
you didn't even cry..
and maybe you have faked it.
the reason, the season.
but there's only one question i wanted to ask,
why didn't you say sorry?

and now even if we have separate lives
i'm left with wonder
how could you have hurt me this much?
how could you have hated me this bad?
betrayed me.. fooled me.. taken me for granted
don't deserve this pain
don't deserve this heartache
this bitterness and misery
but you're there..
still not saying what you should've long before.

and so you left..
without even saying why..
you didn't even cry..
and maybe you have faked it.
the reason, the season.
but there's only one question i wanted to ask,
why didn't you say sorry?

there's only one question i wanted to ask,
why didn't you say sorry.. why didn't you say sorry, my love..

Still

i look around, and i see your face among the crowd
and then you smiled and gave me this same strange feeling
i've once, twice, thrice, or many times felt...
it's only now that i've realized how much you've given too much for my love
and how much i've taken for granted all the things you've given up
and now i pray that there will a come a day that your love will glance back
and be willing to give it one last try...

maybe when and if that day comes, i'll gladly accept
everything that I've once regretted
maybe then, with open arms, i'll welcome you
and give you another chance to prove your love

but then, looking back, you have somebody new
i can't blame you for leaving me hanging in the air...
'cos maybe, i don't deserve to be loved by somebody like you
it's just that i feel bad 'cos I wasn't able to tell you what i could've told you before
i could've at least informed you that once in my life,
i had a feeling that was deeper than what you thought
you could've at least known that somewhere along that path,
there was a feeling that was more than that of friendship.

and now, it's too late for me to let you know
but you know, deep down inside, i'm still hoping that you'd come back one day
and profess to me the undying love you've once offered me to accept
though as for now, all that I can wish for is the friendship that we have
'cos i know that deep in your heart, i can never have a place except for that of friendship

still, i want to let you know
that then and now, i am still in love with you...

#07

smile, and nothing
with reply unexpected
blank, faint
i know now
clearly, what to see
and to feel
and to believe
i realize what i don’t want
never want, ever.
believing with what is
in reality untrue, unfeeling
cause me sadness
empty, unsure
so i must leave
even if for the space
non-existential

i feel nothing…

#06

see teardrops
and they fall
light – shining, it gleams
sounding horror
stop. please stop.
and you slay
in all… raze still
do shut. leave my misery
… rain

#05

and it seemed like eternity
that should hold me forever

i choose not
to be prisoner
to be held captive
of the dreams that often lie
though it’s only now that I realized
confinements of reality that are not

i cry
i falter
but yet again I shall rise

this life, this living vision
has betrayed me
to my heart, to passion
but I can see clearly now
what seemed to be so
vaguely, indistinctably depicted

it is to myself
that I misled belief
traitor.
but to me still?
and life has been so.. so..
pitiless, spiteful
to hope I was given up
or is it despair?
hopelessness?

and so from here I end
of what seemed to be
existence unlivable

i shall begin to live.
i shall begin to breathe.
i shall begin to feel.
and mercilessness not to my own being
yet to myself in the past.

dreams gone
and failures non-existent
realities arise.

i am.

#04

i love.
and now i loved
maybe still loving.
and it erases everything
from the memories.
of before.
of now.
of tomorrow.

my life.
and chaos. of oblivion
and you’re gone
i pick up what else is left
…if there is any
maybe none—but only before.
before.

and i awoke
and i opened
what i should have long before.
a hard slap
and it’s all that i deserve.
standing.
look at me
and i move on
i walk away
i leave. with nothing.

surely i hope
when i surrender.
to dream.

i no longer love.

ice017/020402-0046

#03

and i see the signs
but not too clear
i look around
and yet nothing.
i see in my midst
must i realize?
that which must be
and i feel it must be gone
must not believe.
stupendous in its sense
magical, fate
destiny. cannot anymore
what i used to believe
what i now believe

and nonsense makes sense
when love cannot.

i close my eyes.

#02

within thy confinement
i struggle
that of a look
in dreams i only see
unfabled, yet i cannot touch.
unreachable.

i strive
and i seek
what seems to be
what i cannot have
reality. acquiescence
in silence found
cannot endure.
not just now.
maybe never.

and now i start
to ask.
why can’t you see
can’t feel.
can’t comprehend.
insensate.
when i try even
of the least that i have
incomprehensible.
unfathomable.

and i try to reach
i cannot.
when i hold,
seems unfeeling.
glance upon.
unbelieving.
or denial?
or just maybe nothing.

and i love – if it is.
unreturned, maybe not noticed
maybe deliberately.
maybe not meant to be.

and i look upon thyself
a shadow.
a specter.
a spirit long gone.
long helpless.
and must believe
that something i cannot have
must i not have.
long before the heartaches.

selfless.. must I still?
no more..

#01

i can’t breathe
air not in my midst
i ponder, i wonder
i see your countenance
unimaginable
the way you astound me
the mere thought
of you, your smile
levity – almost endless
discernment, of wit
propitious, heart
undeniably benevolent
everything, all.. almost.

no
don’t look
i fall even more
i cannot – i should not
for whatever reason
i cannot surmise
or might i know?
maybe. but still unknown
to my heart
my emotions. my sentiments.
inrecognizable
i cannot.

you are not the ideal
but you’re here
eventhough distance
seems to break me apart
apart from you – unknowingly
my love for you
..or is it??
indefinitely defined
drawn through the heavens
written in the seas
humorless. but i cannot touch
cannot feel.
even i cannot see.

why.
why must i suffer
consequences of what seems
to be not my sin
a mistake maybe
but is it of my wrongdoing?
when my only choice
is to feel and nothing more.

uncertainty
and of unsure circumstances
i realize what i should not.

and i falter..

Hate

i hate the way i feel
i hate the way i think
i hate the way i dream about you
if i’m not sure what it means

i hate it when i miss you
i hate it when you don’t
i hate it when you don’t care about me
when you know that i would

i hate it when you don’t call me
or when you miss to say goodbye
‘cos you know I’d just be here
to be right by your side

i hate it when you leave me
when you know that i would stay
i hate when you say things
when you mean it the other way

i hate the way you see me
i hate the way you try
to make me feel so special
when it’s the opposite inside

i hate the way i’m getting all confused
with the things you do and say
i hate the way I’m reading
the feeling that’s here to stay

i hate it when you thank me
for the things i’ve done for you
i hate when you make me realize
how important i am to you, too

i hate it when you lie
or maybe you’re not
maybe i just don’t wanna believe it
‘cos i’m expecting all too much

i hate when you make me realize
how badly i could fall
i hate it when you tell me
that it’s not too bad after all

i hate it when you’re sorry
i hate it when you cry
‘cos you know I’d just be getting
all so soft inside

i hate it when you hold me
i hate it when you smile
i hate it when you love me
‘cos i think it’s a lie
i hate it ‘cos i know it
and yet i’m trying to hide
i know that I am falling
i’m sure of what’s inside

i hate to admit it
i hate to face the fact
i hate to say I love you
‘cos it’d just might break my heart

i know it’s hard pretending
i know it’s hard to stay
‘cos this time I might be the one leaving
to protect my heart from pain

i don’t know now what to do
i don’t know now what to say
the moment we meet
the next time we see face to face

i know you’ll just be smiling
treating me like it was before
and there I’ll be standing
thinking if i could ignore

the way i feel, the way I think
the way you make my heart beat
‘cos i know it’s just so hard
to fall for you after all…